Crazy Crossover Chronicles
by Person-without-a-FF.N-account
Summary: Short stories set in the TARDIS, Crossover of Doctor Who, Sherlock, Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter and Jeeves and Wooster. Enjoy :)
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is the first in a series of shorts which I like to call the Crazy Crossover Chronicles.

Crossover of Doctor Who, Sherlock, Artemis Fowl, Harry Potter and Jeeves and Wooster. I don't think there are many people out there who watch/read ALL of these, but it's worth a try.

Basically, the 10th Doctor, Rose, Martha, Donna, the Master, Sherlock, John, Moriarty, Holly, Artemis, Butler, Harry, Ron, Fred, George, Snape, Jeeves and Wooster are all travelling around in the TARDIS. I've only done two so far, including this one, so the updates will be VERY slow. Ahem. Anyway, long A/N is long.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, anything you recognise is not mine (which is just an excuse for not listing all the various owners and so forth) =3

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On the whole, the Doctor thought, he was pretty good at coping when things got difficult.

"Hey! Let us out of here or I'll personally bash you around the head, spaceman!"

Although not always…

"Now Donna, it's hardly fair for you to do that!"

Was that the Master, defending him?

"Why not!"

"Because that's _my _job, you stupid ape!"

The Doctor sighed.

"Will you two SHUT UP, I am _trying _to THINK!" came another voice from behind the door.

"Ohh, sorr_eee_, o almighty detective Holmes, I didn't _realise _we were _disturbing _you!"

"If you don't shut up with your blasted sarcasm I'm going to -"

Thankfully, they never heard what Snape was going to do, because at that moment there was a sound of breaking glass and a soft thud.

"What was that? Who did that? What happened, is everyone okay?" yelled the Doctor through the door.

"That was the Master, he bashed Snape over the head with a bottle of…"

There was a tinkling noise as Sherlock picked around in the broken glass for the label.

"…1952 New Zealand mulled wine."

"Hey, Master! That was mine, you evil little _rat_!"

"Ah, Martha Jones, I thought that would be you."

"I was saving it for Christmas!"

Even though the Doctor couldn't see the other Time-Lord, he could tell that the Master was smirking evilly - you don't need to be Sherlock to work that out.

"But miss Jones, I've just rendered our potions master unconscious - surely it must be Christmas!"

"Shut up, I hope you rot in there forever!"

Jeeves coughed lightly. "Much as that would be an _amusing _prospect, Miss Jones, there are others behind this wall who do not wish to rot in here forever, myself being one of them, so I suggest you help Mr. Holmes here break open the door in whatever way you can."

"She can help by shutting up, and so can you!" Sherlock said testily, continuing work on the larder door lock.

"WHY IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU HAVE A TOP-SECURITY LOCK ON YOUR LARDER DOOR, DOCTOR?" yelled Donna.

"It was to stop the rats!"

"WHAT KIND OF RATS CARE ABOUT PADLOCKS?"

"CLEARLY YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO HYROLIPHUS97, THEY HAVE RATS THERE WITH BRAINS ALMOST AS COMPLEX AS HUMANS - AND NO, SHERLOCK, YOU ARE NOT GIVEN PERMISSION TO DISSECT THEM!" the Doctor yelled back over the deafening noise of the chainsaw - wait, chainsaw?

The Doctor moaned - great, just to top the fact that Jeeves, Snape, Sherlock, Donna and the Master had got stuck in the larder, Snape was knocked out, Donna, Martha and the Master were in full-blown shouting mode, Sherlock was having no luck on the door and Moriarty was being _no help at all_, someone was playing with the chainsaw. Just _great!_

"MASTER, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

"OH SURE, BLAME IT ON HIM, MARTHA! IF YOU HADN'T STOLEN HIS LASER SCREWDRIVER HE WOULDN'T HAVE STOLEN THE SONIC AND THEY COULD BE OUT OF THERE AND LEAVE ME SOME PEACE!"

"SHUT UP, MORIARTY, I ONLY STOLE IT BECAUSE HE WAS ATTACKING MICKEY WITH IT!"

"Ohhh saving darling Mickey, how romantic…" Moriarty crooned, only to receive a smack in the face from a close-to-exploding Martha Jones.

"That's what happens if you push her too hard." The Master explained through the door "she goes KABOOM. Not literally, of course."

"A pity, really." Sherlock said absent-mindedly. "This wallpaper needs some colour, it's so _dull_…"

John came in at that moment, with his hands over his ears.

"Oh, you're in there, are you Sherlock?"

"Unfortunately, yes. What is it, John?"

"Nothing, I thought that was you, on the violin."

"Oh goodness, can't you even tell the difference between a chainsaw and a violin?" Sherlock said, sounding scandalised.

"Well it depends on who's playing the violin…" John muttered, stalking off to his room for some peace.

"Who _is _on the chainsaw?" The Doctor asked, only to have his question answered when Artemis banged open the double doors that lead to the atrium, followed by Butler, who had the chainsaw.

The Irish boy was walking backwards, facing the room he had just come from, and the Doctor just caught the end of a sentence before Butler slammed the doors shut.

"-sorry Holly, didn't know you were in there! We'll move…"

"You're not moving to here!" The Doctor announced over the chainsaw "I've got enough troubles as it is! And what are you doing with the chainsaw in the first place?"

Before Artemis or Butler could answer, there was a wooshing noise as Harry, Ron and the Weasley twins zoomed past on their broomsticks, yelling "GEROMINOOOOOOOooooooooo!"

"I SAID NO FLYING INSIDE THE TARDIS!" the Doctor yelled "DOESN'T ANYONE LISTEN TO ME!"

"Nope"

"Well I know _you _don't, Master, but the others could -"

For the third time in 10 minutes, whoever was speaking never got to finish their sentence, and this time it was due to a loud *CLICK* as Sherlock finally managed to pick the lock.

"Oh finally!" Donna shouted, and pushed open the door.

Everyone traipsed out of the larder, including the now-conscious-and-very-grumpy Snape, and went to their respective rooms, along with Martha, Butler, Artemis and Moriarty, leaving the Doctor in the kitchen to check if any damage had been done inside the larder.

"Jam, apples, teabags, cereal…" he muttered as he went through the contents.

Then - "Ohhh no!" the Doctor groaned. He sat down weakly at the kitchen table and put his head in his hands, and stayed this way until Rose found him five minutes later.

"What's wrong, Doctor?" she asked, sliding into the chair next to him.

"My bananas!" He cried through his fingers "They squashed my bananas!"


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here we go, chapter 2! =D

Short A/N is short O_o...

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, anything you recognise is not mine (which is just an excuse for not listing all the various owners and so forth) =3

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**BOOM!**

The Doctor groaned, sliding out of his arm chair. Couldn't he get _any _peace around this place?

**BOOM!**

"Alright alright!" he yelled "I'm coming!"

**BOOM!**

Sighing, the Time-Lord slipped a bookmark into the novel he had just been reading, and -

**BOOM!**

"OH COME ON!" he yelled even louder "YOU CAN'T EVEN FINISH A SENTENCE AROUND HERE!

**BOOM!**

The Doctor quickly rushed out of the library, being careful not to make this sentance too long,

**BOOM!**

Just as he was on the verge of slamming his head repeatedly into the wall, Rose -

**BOOM!**

"Doctor, what's going on?" Rose demanded "How come I'm only half here?"

**BOOM!**

"It's that blasted noise!" The Doctor moaned "It keeps cutting us off in the middle of -

**BOOM!**

"But what IS the noise?" Rose asked, fully materialising in the hallway.

**BOOM!**

The Doctor only shook his head, and cried "I knew I should have hidden the explosives better!"

**BOOM!**

"Explosives? What explosives? What happened?"

**BOOM!**

"IT'S THOSE TWO!" The Doctor yelled. "SHERLOCK AND THE MASTER, OH WHY DID I EVER INTRODUCE THEM!"

**BOOM!**

"They'll be the death of us one day!" he continued, storming along the corridor with Rose following behind.

**BOOM!**

They stopped by a complicated-looking map of the TARDIS, that Rose couldn't make head or tail of -

**BOOM!**

- but the Doctor seemed to make some sence of the wibbly lines and strange symbols -

**BOOM!**

- because he announced - "They're in kitchen 5, come on!" and rushed off before the next explosion could -

**BOOM!**

"Too late." Rose grinned as she tailed him through the maze of corridors, until they finally -

**BOOM!**

"This is just getting ridiculous!" said the Doctor, and passed her some earphones. They both plugged them in and discovered that now they couldn't hear it, they could quite freely ramble on without being interrupted.

"So, this is kitchen 5?" Rose asked, indicating the orange door in front of them. She had been with the Doctor for years, but had still only remembered up to about 8 of all the different rooms, as he seemed to have an abundance of them.

The Doctor nodded and tried to open the door, but found it locked and so attempted to sonic it.

That didn't work either, so he tried kicking it. All that did was give him a sore foot, so instead he consulted another map, and they were soon speeding through the corridors once again, to find the other entrance to kitchen 5, which was in garden 1, although mainly people just called it 'the garden'.

"Sfaerolx!" The Doctor swore in Gallifreyan as they found themselves facing yet another dead end. "How come I've never noticed how many dead ends this place has? I'll need to link this up to something, maybe the swimming pool? No, too many green cables, and the type of fracto-energy is different. I could always -"

The Time-Lord's babbling was cut short when Moriarty came out of his room, rubbing sleep out of his eyes.

"Hmm? What's going on?" he muttered, having obviously been woken up by the BOOMs.

Rose explained to him quickly while the Doctor consulted another map (he seemed to have tons of them lining every wall), and Moriarty was instantly awake, following them, and very indignant.

"How dare they get out the explosives without me?" he grumbled as they ran along another seemingly-endless gallery.

The Doctor often ran through the TARDIS with one or more of his large supply of companions, looking for something, trying to fix something, or just because he fancied the exercise, and one would have thought he at least knew the way to the main garden by now, but as it was, he did not, and so proceeded to lead them blindly through about fifty thousand rooms until they finally arrived outside a mid-green door on the 9038th floor, corridor 549.

Holly slept in corridor 548, and had, like Moriarty, been woken up.

"Mudgirl!" she addressed Rose, as the two seemed to have struck up a friendship, and she also didn't know if Moriarty classified as human "What's going on? Is -"

**BOOM!**

"Oh Rassilon not again!" the Doctor yelped, tugging out his and Rose's earphones as they were no longer -

**BOOM!**

"Hey! Where did the rest of the sentence go?" Holly asked, unnerved.

**BOOM!**

"It got interrupted. It's been happening to me all morning." Moriarty informed her, while the Doctor tried every setting under the suns and quite a few beyond them on the Sonic Screwdriver to open the door.

"Hey!" Rose said, listening carefully "They've stopped! Is that good?"

"Weeellll…" The Doctor pondered, scratching his head "It could mean that they've run out of explosives, stopped using them, having a break or have been stopped by someone, which are all good possibilities, but it could also mean that they've finished what they were doing, or have better things to do, which are -"

**BOOM!**

"Here we go again!" Moriarty groaned "How are we going to get any sleep -"

**BOOM!**

The Doctor finally found the right setting and the door clicked open to reveal the garden, seemingly unharmed, but there was -

**BOOM!**

- a slight smell of burning as they barreled through the green leaves and tall trees.

**BOOM!**

"SHERLOCK! MASTER!" the Doctor yelled "I KNOW THAT'S YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU -

**BOOM!**

They ran to a pale yellow door and the Doctor was about to pull it open when the aforementioned troublemakers appeared out of a bush to the right of them, sniggering like a couple of loonies.

"There you are!" The Doctor sighed "What have you done this time? Wrecked the kitchen? Blown a hole in the wall?"

"The latter." Said Sherlock "It took us about fifty goes."

"But, on the bright side," The Master grinned as the Doctor stared in horror at the chunk taken out of the kitchen wall "We now have an unexpected veiw of the garden."

The End


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This chapter is quite short, sorreh! I think I said to someone before that chapter 3 would contain a Dalek, but I'm afraid I've had to re-shuffle things a bit. This is part 1 of a double-chapter - think of it as a Christms special ^_^ part 2 will be posted on Christmas day.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, anything you recognise is not mine (which is just an excuse for not listing all the various owners and so forth) =3

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Rose wouldn't have thought a thing like Christmas would be possible on the TARDIS, and yet here she was, hanging up tinsel and festive stars in living-room 4.

Of course, the TARDIS herself did most of the decorating - it would probably take the rest of them over five years to adorn each and every room, but they still took care of some corridors, living-rooms, kitchens and so forth.

Whilst Rose was stringing the tinsel, Jeeves and Artemis were arguing - sorry, _discussing _whether to hang mistletoe or holly above the doorway.

"Mistletoe _is _more suited to the general decor of the room, master Fowl." Jeeves pointed out, "And I understand that Mr. Moriarty has already bedecked three corridors with the alternative. The term 'hyperbole' comes to mind, sir."

"Well, you can never have enough holly!" said Artemis, hanging the spiky plant from the wooden frame.

"I really wouldn't advise -" began Jeeves, but Rose interrupted.

"Why don't you just have both?"

"Fine by me." Shrugged Artemis, hanging the mistletoe next to the holly and arranging them nicely.

"An admirable compromise." acknowledged Jeeves.

"There we go!" grinned Rose, stepping down from her stool and admiring the gold-and-silver tinsel that now adorned the walls, "I think I'd better go help Harry and Ron in corridor 12 now, they're probably up to their knees in baubles."

Just as she was exiting the room, the Doctor entered it, and they collided in the doorway.

"Oops! Sorry!" he helped her up, "Clumsy old me! Are you -" he stopped, sniffing. "What's that smell?"

In unison, they slowly turned their eyes to the green article hanging directly above them.

"Mistletoe..." Rose said slowly.

In the background, Jeeves smirked.

A/N: I know, I know, mistletoe is VERY overused in fanfiction, but I just couldn't resist ^_^ ah, Jeeves, how _do _you do it? XD


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! XD hope you enjoy this chapter and st00f... ya ^_^

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, anything you recognise is not mine (which is just an excuse for not listing all the various owners and so forth) =3

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Christmas morning in the TARDIS was _not _an occasion to forget.

The rhythmic whirring of the engines woke everyone up at 8:00 sharp, only to be given the 'hammer treatment' by the Master, Donna and Ron - all late sleepers.

They started up again even louder at about half-past-nine, with a clear message of 'Get out of bed!', which was apparently obeyed, for everyone was up by 10:00.

"Look!" squealed Moriarty, standing up in the sea of wrapping paper and holding up his present for all to see, "Sherlock gave me a new gun!"

"Wonderful..." muttered the Doctor, trying on the pair of banana-socks that Martha had given him.

Sherlock raised an eyebrow, as if daring his adversary to fire.

Moriarty did so, but was very surprised indeed when a jet of water spurted from the _back _of the gun, right into his face!

"I didn't think you'd have the guts to play a practical joke on me, Sherlock." he spluttered over the ensued laugher of the others.

"Now _that's _a gun I wouldn't mind having around!" grinned the Doctor, wiggling his toes to see if they fitted the socks.

"I say!" Bertie exclaimed, "Look what _I've _got!" he spun round, showing off the red bow tie and matching braces he had just put on.

"Ooh!" admired the Doctor, "I like it! It's very... cool!"

"WOW!" Donna yelled, pulling a large, plastic object free of its wrapping paper.

It filled everyone's hearts with dread, for it was a megaphone.

"WAHOOO!" the redhead yelled through it, her amplified voice shaking the very walls, "NOW I CAN YELL AT YOU ALL EVEN LOUDER!"

"Oh Merlin..." Fred and George said in unison.

"What've you got?" the Doctor leaned over and asked the Master, hoping to change the subject before Donna found the 'super-sound' option.

"Nothing, apparently."

"Well," sniggered Martha, "Father Christmas doesn't bring presents to _naughty little children_!"

"Oh come _on!_" The Master said, "I only blew up three planets this year!"

"Aww, don't worry!" Moriarty put his arm round the Time Lord's shoulder, "I'll find something to give you!"

"Thanks, that makes me feel _so _much better."

"Hey, where's Snape?" asked Holly, re-winding the little clockwork toy Artemis had given her.

"Oh, ah, he, erm..." began Ron.

"Well, err, you see, hm, uhh..." stuttered Harry.

"Please cease your temporary speech defect, I can't understand a word you're saying." Sherlock sighed.

"We, uhhmm, we kinda..." Harry began, but Ron interrupted with a stream of almost unintelligible words.

"'resorryandwewon'tdoitagainsorrysorrysorry."

"...What?" Butler said.

"We-gave-Snape-a-present-in-his-stocking-that-explodes-in-your-face-and-we're-very-sorry-and-we-won't-do-it-again." translated Harry.

Just as he'd finished speaking, there came a yell from Snape's bedroom.

"POTTER!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: OKAY. I'M SO SORRY D= What's it been - almost a year? So yes. Sorry :(

It's very difficult to get inspired for CCC, because of all the characters and everything, but recently I've had a spurt of inspiration :D

Also I'd like you all to know: I will never finish CCC without telling you! I won't just leave it hanging with a random chapter to finish - I'll write a proper ending chapter. So don't give up on me xD

Anyway, chapter five! Nice long one for you =D, 'tis a little less funny and whimsical than the others, but I hope you'll enjoy it all the same =)

This one contains a lot less talking and more descriptions, sarcastic parenthesises (which is a very fancy word I've just learned for added paragraphs in brackets, such as this), etc.

Please forgive me if I get Donna very OOC, I usually just play her as shouting/being angry most of the time, so I'm not too good with non-shouting Donna scenes.

Ah, and also, if any of you (that is, anyone reading this) fancy a particular something happening in the story, or want the next chapter to focus on spesific character(s), please tell me so in the comments, and I'll do my best =)

Sorry if I use the Master too much in these, but he *is* one of my favourites, and such fun to write =D

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, anything you recognise is not mine (which is just an excuse for not listing all the various owners and so forth) =3 (Anyone who can spot the Megamind quote/reference in here will get a free cookie! =D)

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Donna Noble woke in the middle of the night (or rather, the 12-hour span of time in the TARDIS when the lights were dimmed and the engines quietened down a bit, which according to the Doctor, matched Earth time, so their body clocks wouldn't get messed up), to a strange noise outside her door.

It was, she decided as she pulled on a dressing gown, the kind of noise you would expect a thick metal rod or rubber tube to make if it were to be bumped repeatedly against the door.

When she opened the door, the indignant 'What do YOU want then?' died on her lips as she came eye-to-eyestalk with a Dalek.

"HU-MAN" the Dalek screamed in the usual manner of Daleks everywhere, "WHERE IS COR-I-DOR 194?"

Donna gaped, for once in her life, speechless.

After a few seconds, she finally got her voice back and yelled, "DOCTOR!".

If they had been anywhere else, the Doctor would not have heard this call, seeing as he was about a mile away, trying to instruct Holly, Rose and Bertie Wooster in the origami style of Nerius 4.

But the TARDIS was an intelligent ship, and she sensed the fear in Donna's voice and directed the sound waves straight to their intended recipient.

The Doctor also realized that this wasn't one of Donna's usual petty demands, and, after a hurried apology to his apprentices, took an emergency short-cut.

Unfortunately, it was not short enough. By the time he'd arrived, the Dalek had fled to the other end of the TARIDS, via another emergency short-cut, (which was very convenient if you ask me).

While Donna was explaining to the Doctor what had happened, the Dalek ended up outside the Quiet Games Room, where Snape and John were playing chess.

Despite having travelled with the Doctor, neither of them had ever seen a Dalek before. Oh, they had heard about them - Rose delighted in telling the story of how she became the Bad Wolf and destroyed the entire Dalek fleet, and the Doctor ground his teeth about them often enough, but they had been quite vague on descriptions of the creatures.

So, it was no small wonder when they simply looked up, nodded at it, and then returned to their match, dismissing it as one of the Master's experimental robots, or a cosmic pepper pot that had got lost on the way to the kitchen.

"Aha! Checkmate!" John proclaimed, moving his Queen to cut off Snape's escape route.

"I think not." Snape smiled coldly, advancing a Bishop that John hadn't noticed and taking the offending piece.

"HU-MANS." The Dalek made a noise that sounded almost like a cough, "DI-RECT ME TO COR-I-DOR 194."

"Uhh, I'm really not the one to ask about that kind of thing…" said John, "You should go ask the Doctor or the Master."

"Or, alternatively," Snape proceeded to list the other six people who knew the TARDIS best, "Miss Tyler, Mr. Holmes, Mr. Moriarty, Miss Short, Mr. Jeeves or young master Fowl."

"Jeeves should be right down there, third right, eighth… left - no, right, past the lost Leonardo Da Vinci painting and it's the first door on the left." John smiled and jerked his thumb down the hallway (John knew this because his room happened to be a few doors down from Jeeves' room).

The Dalek slid out of the room wordlessly, just as John moved a Pawn forward in a feeble attempt to threaten Snape's Queen.

The curious noise that had woken Donna (which was, in fact, the Dalek thumping its Sink-plunger and Egg-whisk -like weapons on the door) now sounded outside Jeeves' room, where he happened to be ironing a pair of Mr. Wooster's finest tweed trousers.

"Come in!" Jeeves called, wondering who it could possibly be at this time of night.

The Dalek pushed through the door carefully, "HU-MAN JE-EVES, WHERE IS COR-I-DOR 194?"

Now, Jeeves had never met a Dalek any more than John or Snape had, but as a sensible sort of fellow, he had taken the precaution of looking through as many of the TARDIS files on aliens he could get his hands on when he had spare time, and recognised the creature immediately.

Also, due to him being a sensible sort of fellow, Jeeves had a small gadget in his jacket pocket with a red button on it that he used to alert the Doctor if he observed anything disagreeable going on. He pressed this now, while smiling benignly at the Dalek and preparing to keep it talking until the Doctor could get there.

(Five minutes ago)

"Donna!" the Doctor ran, slightly out of breath, up the corridor and skidded to a halt at the redhead's door.

"It's about time you got 'ere, spaceman!"

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"NO I AM NOT OKAY. I WAS JUST 'AVING A NICE PEACEFUL REST WHEN THIS BLOODY GREAT DALEK COMES AND KNOCKS ON MY DOOR AND ASKS DIRECTIONS TO A CORRIDOR AND THEN RUNS OFF AGAIN AND IT SCARED ME HALF TO DEATH!"

"What did?" asked the Master, who happened to be passing at this point, "I'd like to ask it to do it again, then you'd be completely dead."

The Doctor took no notice of him. "A… a _Dalek_?!" he asked Donna "Are you sure?"

"Well they're not exactly hard to pick out of a crowd!" she replied.

"And what exactly did it want?"

"Asked the way to corridor 194 or sumthin'."

At that moment, a small device beeped in the Doctor's pocket. He drew it out, examined the co-ordinates and muttered, "Jeeves has probably found it…"

"I'm coming too!" the Master and Donna said in unison.

The two Time-Lords then proceeded to run down the corridor as if they knew exactly where they were going. In opposite directions.

"Hey! It's _this _way!"

"No, that's the ventilation shaft."

"Ohh…"

"…And then he got engaged to a miss Madeline Basset. The engagement lasted only a few hours -" Jeeves was interrupted by Harry coming round the corner.

In any other place of the same size, all these 'so-and-so happened to bump into so-and-so' scenes would be very unlikely, but, as well as being intelligent, the TARDIS had a sense of humour, and with this many people inside, with so many conflicting relationships, she delighted in twisting the corridors to make them meet and watching their little conversations, in much the same way as we enjoy playing the Sims.

"Hi all!" grinned the young wizard, then did a double-take, "Hey! Isn't that a Dalek?!"

"I AM A DA-LEK."

"Ah, _no_, Mr. Potter. This _isn't _a Dalek, definitely _not_, Sir." Jeeves gave him a meaningful look.

"Ooookayy…"

Suddenly, the Doctor, the Master and Donna flew out of a gothic archway a few doors down and began to run down the corridor in the wrong direction.

Jeeves coughed and called out lightly, "Gentlemen, over here if you please!"

"Can't…breathe…aaaahhkkk…" Donna panted, coming up behind the Doctor and the Master, who didn't seem to be even in the slightest out of breath.

The Dalek turned and adjusted its eyestalk to level with the Doctor's face.

"YOU ARE THE DOC-TOR."

"Well done you for noticing it. What are you doing in my TARDIS?!"

"COR-I-DOR 194."

"Why?"

"I WISH TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE SOME-ONE."

"Big surprise…" The Master sniggered.

"Who are you going to exterminate?!" demanded Harry.

"HU-MAN MAR-THA JONES."

"Ooh, good, you can take her."

"Shut it, Master."

"HU-MAN MAR-THA JONES IS IN POS-SES-SI-ON OF A DAN-GER-OUS WEA-PON, SHE MUST BE RE-MOVED BE-FORE IT CAN BE A-QUIRED."

At this point, the TARDIS noticed that Martha was just about to enter Kitchen 3, and mischievously moved the door, causing aforementioned human to come out of the door next to Jeeves' room.

"Doctor! Hey - what, AAH, A DALEK!"

The Dalek swivelled round, "YOU ARE MAR-THA JONES. GIVE ME THE WEA-PON."

"Weapon? What are you talking about?" Martha looked confused.

"THE CUBE-OID MET-AL OB-JECT WITH TWO LA-SER SLITS ON THE TOP-FA-CING SIDE. WHERE IS IT? RE-VEAL. RE-VEAL!"

Martha clearly had no idea what the creature was talking about. Then, all of a sudden, something seemed to click in her brain.

"You mean… the toaster…?"

"YES. IT IS A DAN-GER-OUS WEA-PON. GIVE IT TO ME."

Over the Master's re-induced sniggers, Martha brought the toaster out of her bag, and slowly handed it to the Dalek, which held it magnetically in its plunger.

"THANK-YOU HU-MANS. I MAY CON-SI-DER NOT EX-TER-MIN-AT-ING YOU."

"Wow, lucky us…" Harry muttered.

"EM-ER-GEN-CY TEM-POR-AL SHIFT!" the Dalek screamed, disappearing.

After a de-stressing cup of tea prepared by Jeeves, the entire group wanted to know what Martha had been doing with the toaster to invoke the Dalek's interest.

"I was just wondering around looking for the library, when Fred and George came out of a door with the toaster. They looked a bit guilty, and then asked me to take the toaster back to the kitchen, so I was just on my way to it when I ended up here!"

At this point, the Master (who had been leaning against the door during all this), suddenly looked incredibly put out, turned on his heel and began stalking down the corridor, muttering.

"Of all the inconsiderate, bone-headed, irresponsible, _rude_…"

"Master?" the Doctor poked his head out the door, "What's up?"

"We _agreed _to modify the toaster, _together_. How _dare _they leave me out!"

He continued to stalk up and down the TARDIS with the others in tow until he located the twins' room, knocked sharply on the door and pushed it open.

Fred and George were in there, along with Sherlock, Moriarty and Artemis. Anyone who knew anything in the TARDIS knew that when this lot got together, including the Master, the galaxy and surrounding fabric of space were in danger.

Artemis noticed them first. "Ah, hello Master… eh… hmm yes you see,"

"Wait a sec," Martha pushed past the Master into the room, "Am I right in thinking that you lot converted the toaster into a laser?!"

"Yep." grinned Moriarty.

"And you _are _aware that said toaster is now in the hands of a Dalek?"

This statement was followed by the sort of silence you would expect there to be if a group of people had just been informed of their doom.

The End.

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><p>AN: I really couldn't think of a better way to end this one _


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Helloooooo! Sorry it's been so long - you know all the excuses XD

ALSO DID YOU ALL SEE THE BELLS OF SAINT JOHN? IT WAS GREAT WASN'T IT :D

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, anything you recognise is not mine (which is just an excuse for not listing all the various owners and so forth) =3

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><p>It was another peaceful day aboard the TARDIS.<p>

"AAAAARRRGGHHH!"

Everyone was in high spirits,

"HEEEEELPPPP!"

The atmosphere was very restful,

"I'M GOING TO DIIIIEEEE!"

And the whole ship rang with the sounds of its happy occupants.

"JAMES MORIARTY, IF YOU DON'T LISTEN TO US RIGHT NOW, I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHATEVER MAY HAPPEN TO YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS!" the Master bellowed, shaking the consulting criminal by the front of his jacket.

Moriarty just smirked and pulled himself free, flicking a switch on the console.

"NO, NO, NO!" the Doctor shrieked as the entire room turned upside-down twice and they were flung onto the ceiling and back. "BLUE BUTTON. _BLUE _BUTTON! THAT'S THE VORTEX CONTROLLER!

"The what?" Moriarty grinned, obviously not taking any of it seriously.

"VORTEX. CONTROLLER." the Doctor shouted, "YOU NEED TO STABILISE IT OR WE'LL ALL BLOW UP!"

"Okay!" Moriarty sniggered, pressing a few more buttons and subsequently lurching the room again.

"If I might make a suggestion, sir,"Jeeves said, getting up and brushing a few specks of dust off his sleeves, "Mr. Moriarty could be forcibly removed from the controls, to continue his lessons at a later date?"

"You're right," Butler said, rolling up his sleeves, "I'll do the honours."

"Oh, don't be such a _muggle_." Snape scoffed, drawing out his wand. "This is how it's done. _Impedi-_"

The wand exploded before the potions master had even finished speaking.

"Blast!" he muttered, and tried again. The same thing happened. Fred and George could be seen smirking in a corner.

Snape tried once more, and this time the spell actually blew a hole in the metal grating of the floor.

Before the Doctor could make any sort of remark about this, Moriarty tugged a lever and the room gave a bone-jarring lurch to the side, then started spinning around and around, throwing everyone around like clothes in a washing machine.

"Aaaaargh!" they all screamed, and "Bloody hell!" yelled Donna, Fred and George.

"Ha-ha, gotcha!" Moriarty laughed with delight, holding onto the console for dear life.

"You think so?" John muttered, elbowing Moriarty and making him lose his grip.

They all shrieked even louder, tumbling around inside the console room, which was still lurching about like nobody's business.

Finally the Doctor managed to fling himself onto the console and flick two switches, reverting the room to its normal state. There were groans and mutterings as everyone picked themselves up and checked that all their various limbs were still available for use.

"Phew," Fred and George said in unison, "that was a close one!"

"Excuse me, a little help over here." Sherlock said loudly. He was gripping the back of Moriarty's jacket with both hands, and was only just managing to hold the other man back from the console.

Several people came over to help, and after a long struggle, the consulting criminal was safely locked in his bedroom.

"Well, that's the last time I'm giving _him _lessons," the Doctor sighed, leaning back agains the console. "It's a shame, he did have a certain flair for it."

"You can bloody well say that again." Donna huffed, helping Jeeves pick up the remains of a teapot that had smashed at some point during all the kerfuffle.

"Doctor," Fred called from the other side of the console room, "John and the Master are stuck."

"WHAT!" Sherlock was instantly at the his side, "Oh nonsense," he called up at two figures hanging on the dangerously high ceiling, "You can get down easily!"

"I'd like to see _you _try it!" the Master spat down at him.

Sherlock raised an eyebrow and strutted off towards the door. "Well, now that that's all over, _I'm_ going to remove the head from the fridge."

"You're joking. No way!" John grinned despite his dire situation (He was hanging by both hands from a thin metal bar on the ceiling), "I thought it was an important experiment?"

"It is," Sherlock said as he walked out, "I'm just relocating it to the cupboard."

"Oh..." John sighed and glanced over at the Master, who was in a slightly better position than him, crouching on one of the coral pillar branches that adorned the console room.

"Don't worry, you two, I'll soon get you down from there." Snape said, walking over and twirling his wand between his fingers. The tip was smoking slightly.

"Err-" John and the Master began simultaneously, but they were saved by Butler, who had found a length of black cable.

"_This _is how it's done," he smirked, moving past the potions master and throwing the makeshift rope up to them. Snape donned a sour expression and stalked off, muttering about muggles.

As soon as everyone was back on ground level, the Doctor announced, "Right! Well, Moriarty's TARDIS-flying lessons are going to be put off until somebody finds a leash and collar, or something to that effect. In the meantime, who wants to learn?"

Fred and George had prepared for this moment. They both jumped into the air with their hands stretched upwards, whooping, "Us! Us! Us!"

"Alright, alright, alright, alright!" the Doctor held up a hand for quiet, "Lessons start tomorrow."

"YAAAAAYYY!" The twins screamed, then leapt out of the room with more cheering.

The Doctor passed a hand over his face. "What have I done?" he asked nobody in particular.

However, asking nobody in particular when you lived with seventeen people was very difficult, and the Doctor ended up receiving various sarcastic answers from all corners of the room.

"Well," Donna said after the voices had died down, "I think we should _definitely _find a leash and collar for Moriarty. It'd be hillarious!"

The Doctor nodded in agreement and turned to the Master, "Could we use yours?"

"No," the Master said, "I lent it to Harry - he said he wanted to try walking a Hypogriff."

"Err," the Doctor's eyebrows inched towards the ceiling, "and where exactly is he walking it?"

"As far as I could gather, in the kitchens."

The Doctor let out a long-suffering sigh. "I can't have a moment's peace in here, can I?" he grumbled, going over to the door.

"Well..." Butler coughed, "That seems to be that. On another note, does anybody fancy a game of battleships?"

"I'd be delighted." said Jeeves, and they also vacated the console room, making a very unlikely-looking pair.

John, Donna and the Master were now the only people left in the console room.

"_And then there were three_..." the Master hummed, fiddling with a switch on the console.

"Well this is dull," John said in a distinctly Sherlock-ish manner, stating the obvious for lack of anything better to do with himself. "I think I'm going back to bed. No, on second thought, I'm having tea. Anybody else for tea?"

"Yes!" said the Master enthusiastically, grabbing John's arm and pulling him towards the door, "Come on, let's go and make tea!"

"You're being very _nice_," John rolled his eyes, tugging himself away and accompanying the Master in a more civilised manner. "God, you must be _really _bored."

Their voices gradually dwindled away down the corridor and left Donna alone in the console room. She circled the console, casually flipping a switch here and there.

Suddenly a red flashing on the scanner screen caught her attention. She leaned over to have a look, and read the words, 'WARNING: VORTEX CONTROLLER NOT PROPERLY STABILISED. TARDIS SELF-DESTRUCT IN 29 SECONDS.'

Donna remained silent for a second.

Then a yell so loud it penetrated even the deepest recesses of the TARDIS echoed through the ship, shaking the very walls in the corridors.

"_**MORIARTY!**_"


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: OH YEAH I'M UPDATING AGAIN. I'M SO GREAT!

No seriously, I'M SORRY! Haven't updated all year, I'm getting so bad at this.

Happy 50th anniversary anyways - I did a rant on my DA if you want to read it (www atlantihero-Kyoxei deviantart com) (with dots instead of spaces).

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot, anything you recognise is not mine (which is just an excuse for not listing all the various owners and so forth) =3

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><p>Arranging afternoon tea in the TARDIS was more difficult than you might think.<p>

First, you had to gather together seventeen people from various places on the ship, including two Time Lords, four sociopathic geniuses and five wizards, and then there was the matter of organising all the food and drink - not to mention actually _finding_ afternoon, which the Doctor always seemed to have trouble doing.

However, as the Doctor was pretty sort of _marvellous_, he'd managed to sort it all out and make sure everyone was in the TARDIS's largest dining room at five o'clock Earth time for a spot of tea and cake.

"Absolutely top-hole!" Bertie said, taking a sip of tea from his favourite china teacup, "Pass the muffins, Holly, old thing."

Holly Short obliged, and Ron lifted one from the bowl as she passed it over.

"I can't believe you take that much sugar in your tea, Artemis," Martha said from the other side of the table, peering over at the Irish boy's cup, "It must taste awful!"

"I just operate at a higher level of sugar intake than you, Martha Jones." Artemis said smugly, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Actually, it's not bad." said the Master from Artemis's other side. He had taken a few sips from Artemis's cup while the boy was looking the other way.

"Do you _mind_?" Artemis said, taking his cup away from the Master and glaring at him.

"Sorr_ee_," the Master drawled, "But I daren't touch mine. I think I saw Fred and George put something... suspicious in it."

"They put suspicious somethings in just about everything." Ron said between mouthfuls of his muffin.

"Not in these, I hope," Bertie said, holding his own muffin up to the light, "I say, they're jolly good, though!"

The Master raised his eyebrows and went back to his plate, where a jam doughnut seemed to be in the process of being dissected.

All of a sudden, a scone flew out of nowhere, hitting Martha in the back of the head with a dull 'Thump'.

"Oi!" she said, looking around for the culprit.

Before anyone had the chance to even look suspicious, another scone sailed through the air, landing right in Artemis's teacup.

Hot tea splashed over the white tablecloth and several people's laps, but Martha was still on the lookout for the mystery scone-thrower.

"Who was that?!" Holly demanded, peering down at the other end of the table.

"Well, it can't be Fred and George," Ron said, pointing, "Look. They're busy sneaking cockroach clusters into Moriarty's coffee!"

"Dear me, what's all this?"

Jeeves had appeared between the Master and Artemis in his usual noiseless manner. It was as if he had a sixth sense that detected any mess or dispute - already a dishcloth was being drawn from some deep inner pocket and he was mopping up the tea spillage.

"Jeeves! Somebody's catapulting scones about," Bertie informed him, "It's like a battlefield over here!"

"Indeed, sir," Jeeves said, nonchalantly wiping tea off Artemis's lap, "I fancy it might be Mr. Holmes, sir."

"_Sherlock?_" Ron asked.

"Yes, Mr. Weasley. Shortly after discovering that none of the pastry items were to his liking, Mr. Holmes informed me that he would be retiring to his room for the evening. However, I observed him removing a-" Jeeves's monologue was cut off by another scone whizzing past them and finding its target; Bertie's head.

"I SAY!" Bertie said loudly, standing up and peering around for whoever had thrown it.

"If you'll allow me, sir." Jeeves said, edging his way around the end of the table and brushing crumbs out of Bertie's hair and clothes.

"I think I saw someone that time!" Martha said, squinting over Jeeves's head, "On one of the balconies."

The dining room they were in was built in a very grand style, with marble columns holding up a second level where doors led off to various parts of the TARDIS. A spiral staircase led up to this level, and a terraced area extended in a circle around the room, looking down on the large dining table below.

"Indeed, miss." Jeeves inclined his head to Martha, "As I was about to say, I observed Mr. Holmes removing a substantial portion of scones from one of the tables on his way out - and then taking the door that leads up to the second level balconies. It is my opinion that he is, most probably due to extreme lethargy, aiming at various occupants of the area with intent to bombard them with the aforementioned projectiles from the shadows of the terraces."

"You mean..." Bertie's brain was almost visibly changing to Jeeves Translation Mode, "He's bored out of his mind, so he's taken an armful of scones up there," he indicated the balconies above their heads, "And is now taking potshots at us?"

"Yes, sir."

Bertie opened his mouth, (Probably to say, 'Well of all the bally nerve!'), but before he could say anything, a scone hit him squarely on the nose and he sat down, spluttering.

"Very good aim!" the Master said loudly, glancing up to see if he could find Sherlock, "You're improving."

By way of reply, Sherlock lobbed another scone at him, but the Master seemed to have anticipated this, and he dodged out of its way.

"What's going on here?" a voice asked.

Everyone looked up to see the Doctor standing behind Martha, looking at the mess of scones and tea that covered the tablecloth.

"Err, Sherlock's decided to take up scone-shooting." Ron explained, making Holly snigger.

As if to verify this statement, another scone flew from the balcony and hit the Doctor on the shoulder.

"I see..." the Doctor frowned, looking up at the shadowy figure just visible on the second level.

Jeeves finished mopping tea and began clearing up the crumbs caused by scones that had shattered on impact.

"Hold on, look, he's moving!" Holly said, pointing at the figure, which was now making its way towards the spiral staircase that led to the lower level.

"_Right_," Martha growled, pushing out her chair and standing up, "I'm going to have a _word _with him."

There was silence as Martha stalked off, then the Master quietly muttered, "Poor, poor Sherlock."


End file.
